Pardon My Little Episodes

Michael Brandes
→ MFA PH 2011

Dear Viewer,
Here are some sitcom scenarios I wrote. I think of them as an art practice. I began writing them in 2010, when I was at RISD. I have continued to write a new series of sitcom scenarios each year since then, except one. This did not start out as something intentional. I sort of found myself writing one every year, and then kept doing it, not sure why. Sometimes I think it was a way for me to keep an alternative journal. Sometimes I think I found it funny. Sometimes I think I found it sad. Sometimes I think it was a way to think about a simultaneous loneliness and love of being alone. Sometimes I have no idea.
That’s about as far as I’ve figured it. They were always something I did in my spare time, and I’ve never been sure what to do with them. But lately, I’ve been curious to see where they will go if I try to put them out into the world in different ways. Might go somewhere strange, or might go nowhere. Which might mean something, or might not.
Sincerely,
Michael

Neighbors (2010–2011)

Setup:

A retired professional basketball player becomes neighbors with a well-known comedian. They share a pool house because of a strange property issue, and I become a tenant in that shared pool house.

Episode 1:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I did not talk to their wives about me becoming a tenant in their shared pool house. We only realize this after the movers have arrived with my things.

Episode 2:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I plan to have a big party on Friday night in the pool house. But the retired professional basketball player forgot that Friday night is also his anniversary.

Episode 3:

The retired professional basketball player is going to be honored with a dinner and award by a former team. Hours before the event, the professional basketball player has an accident while helping me and the well-known comedian hang a picture.

Episode 4:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I get a flat tire on the way to a party we really want to attend. None of us have any experience fixing a flat tire.

Episode 5:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I are supposed to meet the well-known comedian at a comedy club where he is scheduled to perform. The well-known comedian is running late, so the retired professional basketball player and I have to stall.

Episode 6:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I stay up late playing Tetris and drinking scotch. We are very hungover the next day while we are supposed to help with a yard sale.

Episode 7:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I decide to go camping because the weather has been so nice lately. None of us have been camping much before.

Episode 8:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I stay up late playing Tetris and drinking scotch. We are very hungover the next day while we are supposed to help with the spring cleaning of a local activity center.

Episode 9:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I can’t stop singing an old pop song. For some reason, people seem to require a fair amount of distance from us lately.

Episode 10:

The retired professional basketball player, the well-known comedian, and I want to install curtains in the pool house. Not one of us have any experience installing curtains.

Park Rangers (2012–2013)

Setup:

A well-known musician, a well-known comedian, and I quit our jobs and become park rangers. We are thrilled with this turn of events.

Episode 1:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I are excited and nervous about our first day as park rangers in an idyllic park. Then we get a call that there is a problem at a picnic area.

Episode 2:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I are supposed to give a safety demonstration to a group of summer campers. Another park ranger is bringing supplies we need to demonstrate the demonstration, but is running late.

Episode 3:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I give a ride along to a college kid who is interested in becoming a park ranger. We take him to our favorite place to make a big fire.

Episode 4:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I have to carry a hiker who hurt his ankle on a hiking trail. We desperately want to get him back in time to attend the park ranger party.

Episode 5:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I are in the middle of nowhere when our truck breaks down. While we wait for a tow truck we make up a new game involving a ball and fishing nets.

Episode 6:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I are responding to several reports of a mountain lion near a trail. We are instructed to find it and shoot it with a tranquilizer dart.

Episode 7:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I do not want to go outside during an intense heat wave. We make up ludicrous reasons to stay in the air-conditioned ranger station so we can secretly watch movies.

Episode 8:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I are guiding a forester through an area he needs to study. We get distracted with a conversation about game shows and lose the forester.

Episode 10:

The well-known musician, the well-known comedian, and I have to work at one of the entrances to the park. We see a really cool owl and chase after it to get a better look at it, leaving the entrance unattended.

Nemeses (2013–2014)

Setup:

A well-known artist, a well-known writer, and I start a small art book publishing company. At the same time another well-known artist, another well-known writer, and a random person who makes art books of questionable quality also start a small art book publishing company. They are our nemeses, although whether or not we are their nemeses is unclear.

Episode 1:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I receive a copy of an undeniably great art book that our nemeses are about to publish. We are filled with insecurity and try to craft the perfect response, but fail.

Episode 2:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I want to publish the same art book as our nemeses, so we decide to bug their office to gain an advantage. While we are in the middle of bugging their office, our nemeses return from lunch.

Episode 3:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I are furious about a perceived insult from our nemeses. We try to think of the perfect way to respond, but fail.

Episode 4:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I decide to help out a kid who is a regular in the shop with their art project. We spend an incredible amount of time on this, instead of our actual jobs, and the kid gets a B-.

Episode 5:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I decide to make some online videos to promote our art books. We are paralyzed with indecision by thinking of the endless ways our nemeses could criticize our videos, and fail to make a single one.

Episode 6:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I are doing a panel at an art book convention and the host keeps bringing up our nemeses’ art books as comparisons. We get very sensitive and defensive.

Episode 7:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I have a party for an art book we are publishing, and our nemeses attend. We are so worried about our nemeses’ opinion of our party that we simply talk amongst ourselves in a corner the whole time.

Episode 8:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I are finding it hard to work on a Friday afternoon, so we decide to stop working and make greyhounds. A few hours later, our nemeses stop by our office to talk shop and find us drunk.

Episode 9:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I are meeting with the same artist as our nemeses about potentially publishing their art book. We are incredibly nervous and self-conscious in our meeting.

Episode 10:

The well-known artist, the well-known writer, and I are eating in the same diner as our nemeses, and all three of us forgot our wallets. We try to find a quiet, dignified solution without asking for our nemeses help, or even letting them become aware of the situation.

Michael Brandes is currently a monster who writes advertisements. He lives in Portland, Oregon.