Hello Tourtle
Cooper Liedtke
→BFA PT 2026
Harry: Hello Tourtle.
Beat
Harry: There is a bug in my pants. Get it out.
Tourtle: I can’t do that because it’s part of the process; the process of becoming the best tuna fish you’ve never seen.
Harry: Neither of us are tuna fish.
Neither of us are fish.
Neither of us have gills, neither of us live anywhere close to a body of water that would even house a tuna fish. If I were to become a tuna fish, as you have so confidently stated, I would die. I do not want to die, I do not want to be a tuna fish. Get the bug out of my pants.
Tourtle: I don’t want to touch you. You are gross as slime and reek of time-passing.
Harry: We are the same age.
Tourtle: Just because we are the same age does not mean that time will pass the same for both of us.
Beat
Imagine this, you are working in a factory and hate your job. All you do is attach the heads onto G.I. Joe action figures. Time, for you, will pass very slowly as you despise every second you spend in that gruesome factory. So you will pick up more of that gross time-passing smell than me. I am, at the same time, in the same amount of time, jet skiing with my best friend. We are having the time of our lives and every treasured second is whizzing past me at the speed of light. I will, in turn, have much less of that time-passing smell than you. Also, I would probably fall into the water and in turn, smell more of blue ocean water than time-passing.
Do you get it?
Harry: …Yes, I think so.
I think the bug is friendly, so I should be fine.
Tourtle: Yes, of course, it is Harry—the process of turning into a tuna fish is fueled by the power of friendship.
Harry: Good lord! Then I would rather it be a mean bug. I don’t want to be a tuna fish, what do I do?
Tourtle: Say something mean about the bug—maybe insult its credit score or guess its weight, but say 100 pounds more than it looks.
Harry gets his face real close to the bump in his pants where the bug is now.
Harry: (to bug) What are you bug? A 100 and 12 year old? You look like a very old person!
The bug wriggles around a bit but doesn’t seem to be too ticked off by that remark.
Tourtle: Oh boy Harry…That bug is just asking for you to say something about how it smells.
Harry: Okay okay,
Hey, bug! You smell and I think it’s really bad!
The bug starts pinching Harry a bit and Harry says, “Oww!”
Harry: Oww!
Tourtle: Harry…You better hurry, it’s starting to smell like fish in here.
Harry: I think I’m gonna have to resort to physical violence, no knife cuts deeper than a knife.
Tourtle: I knew it would come to this. Why lord? Why did it have to come to this?
Harry walks to the kitchen. When he returns, he is holding a .22-caliber revolver, fresh out of the box, fully loaded and ready to go. It’s the perfect gun for a beginner like Harry.
Tourtle: I thought you said knife.
Harry: I did, but I got a wave of inspiration. I’ve been so excited to test out my new gun. What better way to test a gun than by shooting a bug that is trying to turn me into a tuna fish?
Tourtle: I can’t stop you. It’s against my code.
Harry: I know it’s not the conventional way, but I’ve been trying to think more creatively lately. I think my rigid upbringing hindered my ability to think outside of the box. I admire people who can just be what they want to be and do what they want to do. Rather than having their dreams of playing in the NBA trampled on by their stepdad, who forced them into working at the family business. I hate what I have let my life become—how I didn’t take my chance when Pauline asked me to move to the city with her. I could have had a family and a new wonderful job by now. But no, I let my stepfather win and I let Pauline go. What could have been?
…
But I’m going to change, I’m gonna grow and become a better version of myself.
Better than my stepfather.
Harry positions the gun directly over the bump in his pants where the bug is hiding. It is on the front of his right thigh.
Here I go! To new beginnings, and you Mr. Bug.
Bang!
Harry reals in agony, holding his leg, he starts crying and rolling around, a puddle of his blood grows around him.
Tourtle: Oh Harry, what have you done?
Tourtle gets down on his knees trying to stop the blood from exiting the holes in Harry’s leg using napkins. He’s not doing much.
Then just like that, Harry turned into a Tuna.
Cooper Liedtke sees three ducks in a trenchcoat outside his window.