A One-Star Review
Julæ Lynn-Tanning
→MLA LDAR 2026
In situ sketches by the author.
Great poets are petty assholes. So there.
By way of introduction, I am an aspiring petty asshole who can think of no better place to kick-start my no-doubt insipid and short-lived literary career than the canonical classic genre of writing rambling and incoherent one-star reviews of singular institutions just to spite them for some minor inconvenience caused likely by some tangential coincidence. Forgive my sophomoric misattribution of causation and correlation, but—I had The Oyster last Friday and it went through me. So there.
The institution in question is Claudine, a fine dining destination located in downtown Providence, Rhode Island, that manages to walk that postmodern tightrope of elevated-but-not-showy with facsimile-French insouciance. Chore-coats (now regrettably replaced by standard suit-and-tie); a warm, cavernous interior; and an astonishingly prolific œuvre that transforms each time you are figuratively masticated by its mouth-like interior—et voilà, you have the component parts of what is very likely the best restaurant in the Northeast. (At time of writing, Claudine has been nominated by the James Beard Foundation as a semifinalist for the Best New Restaurant award.)
Each week, sometimes several times a week, last fall, I would enter its vaulted chambers to partake, either alone or with friends, in their two-and-a-half-hour culinary extravaganzas, which to me were a model of artistic precision and excellence which I intended to replicate in my own practice. It was no exaggeration to say that the food at Claudine helped illuminate the light behind my eyes with their seemingly effortless inventiveness and the occasional astonishing power of a breathtaking Proustian recall. “An exquisite pleasure had invaded my senses […] at once the vicissitudes of life had become indifferent to me, its disasters innocuous, its brevity illusory.” (Proust, 1913)
These surreal encounters at Claudine allowed me to drag out time, to situate a considered rhythm which I find otherwise difficult to establish. The impeccable service as well was unfamiliar to me. I felt I needed to return to somehow absorb the elevated level of craft and dedication.
For clarification’s sake, this one-star review exists because of an oyster—“The Oyster”—a signature dish at Claudine that is served at each meal as a starter on a homemade ceramic oyster shell. It typ- ically comes with a variation and is often topped with sea urchin sourced from the coast of Maine. A memorable iteration includes champagne foam—the clear briny bite of oyster is underscored by the soft crumbling texture of sea urchin and backed by the sour, transparent sharpness of the champagne all whilst the cool ceramic shell slides the distinctive construction into your mouth.
I digress. We are here today because of an oyster, and whether said oyster gave me two bouts of explosive diarrhea during the course of the meal. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I don’t walk around with excrement flowing from my behind unless there’s a good reason for it. And that fishy-tasting oyster fits the bill.
like bathroom, I considered a graceful exit.
When I returned to the table, I said that I needed to go because I was feeling unwell and explained why. Whilst the waiters were very understanding, the manager directly and immediately contradicted my account. “The oysters came in this morning,” she said. “Food poisoning from shellfish typically sets in half a day after an incident so that must have been a coincidence.”
I left the scene quietly with a cardboard box of the meal’s remains.
It goes without saying that I took a break from returning for a while.
So why did I return? Bitterness is an unpleasant taste to keep in the mouth for too long a time and I can only imagine that since it’s a newly opened establishment they decided to prioritize the long run and disregard the feeble protests of one peculiar customer. As someone who grew up in Singapore familiar with the best food-hawkers often being the least agreeable, I am back for a simple reason: the food is good. The one star on this review can very well be a recommendation for a Michelin Star or some such equivalently hankered after accolade. I wish Claudine all the best and no doubt will return again before long.* ** ***
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**At press time, Claudine had just reopened its doors and I was the first customer back. The food seemed customarily good but I could not taste much of it due to recently going on antidepressants, which destroyed my tastebuds.
*** To be an artist and pedagogical practitioner one has to cultivate a child-like wonder and naiveté. The first few meals at Claudine captured that for me, awoke in me a sense of boundless possibility and magic. The Oyster episode, more than just an uncomfortable misadventure, plunged me back into the cold waters of calculative cynicism from which I am now intermittently attempting to extricate myself.
Julæ Lynn-Tanning is hanging on by two fingernails. Don’t mind her.